mental link // S72
May. 7th, 2017 11:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
servitorDIASPEIREIN To scatter, spread about. | MELIORISM The belief that the world gets better. |
ORIFLAMME A symbol or standard that inspires confidence, devotion, or courage. | VANGUARD The troops moving at the head of an army. |
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Date: 2017-07-05 06:24 pm (UTC)[It's compiling now, feeling the rawness from Noctis, and having his own rawness starting to surface. He hadn't even mourned Crowe. He hadn't even been able to give her a burial. She didn't get the accolades she deserved for her death.
And now two holes are in his brain, like bullets. The purples of his swirling mind mix with black like a slab of marble, like a storm slowly churning. If he's lightning in a bottle, there's thunder too, not quite the sound, but the feeling of thunder. The slow roll of the inevitable. The oncoming of what could bring them down.
He misses his sister. He misses his mother. He misses Crowe and even Libertus, though he's still alive as far as he knows. The stupid Nest, pulling at his heart in a way that it shouldn't be pulled.]
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Date: 2017-07-05 06:33 pm (UTC)(I'm in the gardens.)
[He doesn't mean to push his own vulnerabilities onto Nyx, the way he's doing now. He's both unaware and has no ability to control it, and if told, Noctis would've tried to coil up within himself. Try to rein it in, because he didn't want to burden the man with too much. He would recover, he had to. It's the reason why he's picked a quiet, peaceful place in the Circle Gardens -- to shift his thoughts around, hoping that they'll settle back into something resembling confidence again.]
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Date: 2017-07-05 07:55 pm (UTC)Nyx, without a word, disappears from the link, trying to focus more on finding the gardens again. He'd been a few times, but he wouldn't claim to know the ship like the back of his hand already. There's more than one way to get around.
The sweatpants he wears now are a dark gray, fitted and tapered compared to the other pants he'd been wearing. He's foregone the Glaive shirt in favor of a white v neck shirt. He doesn't walk too fast, nor does he get too close when he finds Noctis. Nyx had always made it a point to be there physically, when he could, for his own comrades. Noctis isn't an exception.]
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Date: 2017-07-05 08:59 pm (UTC)(I'm fine, you know.)
[He's seated on a bench, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. Looking at the ground, grinding the heel of his shoe into the dirt much like a child would.]
You didn't have to stop by.
[When actual words are spoken, he turns his head to look where Nyx stands. Even if he isn't dressed in his Glaive uniform, he'd recognize the man anywhere just by the way he carries himself.]
this got long?
Date: 2017-07-06 04:16 pm (UTC)[Not flippant, just a statement of facts.]
You don't have to pretend to be fine. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Lunafreya: you don't have to put on that brave king act. I'm not here to measure you on how much you can put up with.
[And he knows, oh he knows, that without an outlet, everything will inevitably fall apart. Slowly, Nyx begins to saunter towards Noctis, though he chooses to stand instead of sit.]
The day the Nifs attacked my home was the day my sister died. You probably heard her voice in the link. I signed up for the Glaive the next day. My best friend Libertus and I? We were the poster boys. We were some of the first refugees and Galahdians to sign up and be accepted into the Glaive. But I was a mess those days. You'd think it was just the one picture in the newspaper, but it was everywhere. I can't even remember the training and the prereqs before we were let in. Everything was automatic. I might've been better to myself and my mother if I had just stopped for a second.
[He doesn't regret signing up, not at all, but it took what was left of the Ulrics weeks to finally get themselves together and make something of a service for Selene. He doesn't go much into it, but the melancholy is evident in the link, purples simmering to dark blues. He tries to hone in on his imaginary friend the couerl, anchors himself to it like it's what's going to keep him from slipping back into darker days. Hard enough having to run away from home, hard enough having to live in a place that didn't really want you, hard enough having nothing to show for your losses except whatever clothing you had on your back.]
You're not going to do anyone good by putting up with it and sucking it all in. We feel it too. Give yourself a day or two, maybe even three. You say we don't have time but you'll hurt yourself and someone else if you don't work out what's going on. [A beat.] They deserve better than pretending. Annie yelled at me enough about how she could only let you be the soft one to her. I'm pretty sure we got into an argument about arguing whether or not I should give a damn about her because she got enough from you.
i love long tags? here, have one, too
Date: 2017-07-07 01:01 am (UTC)Only recently did he learn to step out of that shell, to find comfort in not retreating within himself so far that it crystallized into stifling ennui. But it's easy to shrink back into old habits when faced with loss too sudden to comprehend. Easy to comfortably retreat back into that shell and pretend again, until all of his emotions felt like they were in their correct places -- whatever that happened to be.
But he doesn't respond, not just yet. He lets Nyx talk, and while he's been good with keeping eye contact with the man in every conversation up until now, he just can't seem to find his gaze this time. His eyes settle on somewhere nondescript, to the side and below. The Glaive, had experienced too much, too fast, as well; casualties of war, feeling the need to keep moving in the face of loss. The insight is unexpected, but... quietly appreciated.]
I don't care if you give a damn about me or not. [He frowns at his wording, realizing it didn't convey what he wanted. Noctis tries again.] I don't mind if you do, is what I mean. I'm actually grateful, even though I know it doesn't look like it.
[He clenches his hand into a loose fist, looking at the Ring adorning his finger.] That last night in Insomnia -- the one I remember -- I had accepted what I was, finally. A King, the shortest reigning one in Lucian history, probably. [A scoff, humorless, but with a faint twisting of sad, lopsided grin. It fades, as quickly as it had arrived.]
The grief of... everything I had lost, I twisted it into acceptance and motivation. The strength and stubbornness to end the darkness, to see it all through to the end. It was fuel for the fire, and for once I actually felt like I was living up to the role destiny threw at my feet. I had a use. A purpose. [A beat.] But here... sometimes that motivation feels too hard to hold onto, you know? And then I feel like I've rewound ten years -- no, twenty even. I'm just a kid who doesn't know what to do with himself, anymore. I'm supposed to lead. I'm supposed to walk tall, and be strong.
[He drops his hand.] I just feel tired.
bruh
Date: 2017-07-08 07:32 am (UTC)Yeah. Me too.
[Nyx settles now to sit next to him, though he faces the opposite direction. It's not that he's feeling sorry for himself. It's that it's hard to find what's next when the next has been put off indefinitely. The only next is to survive to get to the other next.]
I wish I could tell you what to do, I really do. But I can't do that for you. Sometimes you really are just nothing compared to what's coming. [It's what he thinks of himself, at least, in the grand scheme of things. Nyx saw himself as a piece to get everything going in the right direction. There had never been any notions of destiny, only duty to the next generation, and the one after that.] Strength isn't in how well you hold on to your emotions. Strength is in what you do after those emotions fall.
[Nyx lets his head hang back. The grief washes over him for a few moments. It's one of the things he had used too. He fought to never feel helpless. He fights to protect those who can't protect themselves. And now he fights to make sure there's a future to get back to.]
Make your own destiny, Noctis. It's all you've got here. That destiny you're talking about? It'll be there when you get back. Right now? You've got all of this at your feet. You can keep using that loss, but don't let it eat you up. It's going to take you places you don't want to go. [Now he actually glances over to Noctis.] And you're going to lose yourself.
[He's seen it, too many times. In the eyes of his comrades. In the eyes of the people he's saved. In the refugees piling into lines to get into the city. In the people denied entrance for some arbitrary reason. Beyond the walls of Insomnia is a world full of hurt and people falling into the hurt because it was the easy way out.]
Don't be something you're not. No one cares if you're a king or a beggar here. Just do your job. We'll get through it. I promise we will.
look
Date: 2017-07-09 05:36 pm (UTC)Making his own destiny here, is that what it would come down to? Ripping himself away, even if only temporarily, of what the Astrals had written for him. It felt wrong, though he hates to admit it to himself -- he knows that he's just a plaything of a prophecy, and that he should celebrate the reprieve from carrying its weight.
But tell that to the guilt, threatening to override this sense of freedom. His duty, torn asunder, screaming at him, What about Eos? What of the world in darkness? Of all your friends? All the ones you've lost? You've left them, abandoned them. For what? You can't save anyone here. You don't even know what you're doing.
Noctis closes his eyes, biting all of this back.]
Don't make promises you can't keep, Nyx.
[Cynicism bleeds out, sharp at the edges. It always does, when he's like this.]
But I'll try. [Silence again, before he turns his head just enough to look at the Glaive next to him.] If my title doesn't mean anything here, then yours shouldn't either.
[He's not disparaging. He's offering a release of responsibility, if Nyx wants it. He doesn't know if he would or not.] I appreciate you talking to me, but you're not obligated. It's like you said, we're just two people trying to do our jobs. You have enough to worry about as it is, than to come out here, making sure your King isn't falling apart.
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Date: 2017-07-09 10:37 pm (UTC)Still. He soldiers on.]
You ever think I came out here to check up on a teammate? Check up on a friend?
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Date: 2017-07-10 02:39 am (UTC)Friend, huh...
[He's silent, but surprise and gratitude radiates outward. A singular warmth in a flood of grief and sadness.
Noctis is bold enough to give Nyx a little nudge with his elbow, grinning weakly despite himself.]
You're just trying to soften me up for running more laps in the morning.
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Date: 2017-07-10 04:55 am (UTC)But it's more of a personal need to make sure he's doing okay, as opposed to anything else. They do need to have clear minds for the missions, sure, but in the end, Nyx is genuinely worried. He'd go out of his way for anyone.
He gently pushes back, with a tiny smirk.]
Caught me red-handed.
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Date: 2017-07-11 02:18 pm (UTC)Well... even if that's the case, thanks.
[The sense of loss is great, and Nyx's reassurances are small, yet still exponentially better than not having anything at all. At having no one here to worry for him.
There's a small amount of comfort to be taken in that.]
...For looking out. I'll try to return the favor.
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Date: 2017-07-13 11:57 pm (UTC)[Not that he ever cashes out, or forces anyone to pay up. Not his style.]
I know how this is going to sound, but you'll be okay. Not because we have to be. Just because I don't think you'd give in.
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Date: 2017-07-15 12:23 am (UTC)Noctis straightens in his seat, nodding.]
You're right.
[Sorrow and loss are not so easily swept under the rug, but he'll not find himself tripping over it again and again. The memories of his broodmares were worth more than a weight chained to his ankles, holding him back.]
...On the tab it is, then.
close it up here?
Date: 2017-07-15 03:48 am (UTC)Let me know if you ever need anything. We're in this together, until the end.