mental link // S72

[servitor]

DIASPEIREIN To scatter, spread about.	MELIORISM The belief that the world gets better.
ORIFLAMME A symbol or standard that inspires confidence, devotion, or courage.	VANGUARD The troops moving at the head of an army.

( CODE BY WHAMBAM )

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[sistershoggoth]

[ Trying to push him out is like pulling down invisible curtains. She doesn't know how to really bring in her sprawling mindscape into one discreet package that can be tucked away. Every time she grabs a piece of it and furls it up, something else is oozing outward, reaching for him, wanting for hurt to meet with hurt. In that equivalency, there was certainty, stability.

Even if she has no interest in wallowing in it. ]

( Fuck off! )

[ But really, she's right here, leaned back into one of those empty white walls, smoke curling into the fall of her hair. She shoots him a furious glower as he comes around the corner. The look on her face is all rejection, but on the inside... like a bathtub overflowing, first over the tips of your toes and out and out and out. ]

[servitor]

[Without much fuss, warning, or ceremony, he settles next to her, arms crossed, not looking at her. Yeah, the whiplash can be a bit exhausting, he'll admit it. He's spent a lot of his life trying to not be shaken by the outside world, to be as even as possible because without it, he's not sure if he would've gotten so far.

The furious glare washes over him. His gaze remains steady, not unconcerned, but somewhere between calculating and thoughtful.]

I'm not going to ask you to open up to me, Annie. I'm asking you to let me help. I'm asking you to really trust me. I can't help you keep it together if you keep snapping at me, and that's if you want to keep it together.

[There's no judgment. After all, he can't relate to anything about her outside of deep loss and wasted youths. If she's a human galaxy, then he's just a speck of dust. But here he is, doing his damned best to make sure stars shine and don't collapse on themselves like dark holes.]

[sistershoggoth]

[ She inhales long and furious around her cigarette, her lips pursed. She's buzzing with what she does and does not want to say.

That she wants to keep it together so badly, but that it was easier to do in an isolation she can't have. That feeling makes her dizzy with too many variables and too much loss. That it makes her feel like she's a nuclear reactor melting down on the inside. Maybe that's what needs to happen but her inability to plan for what will be on the other side of that-- Makes it terrifying. Everything has changed so much already, and the only thing that's gotten her through is clinging stubbornly to this set of coping mechanisms.

Focus on keeping them alive. Never take yourself too seriously. Never let anyone too close; and yet here we are in this Station that's all but a tomb and she keeps consuming the boys' memories and touch like she doesn't know how to control it. Does she, or does she not. Her leg fidgets restlessly. ]

You already have all that shit, would you shut up. I don't--

[ Words. Fucking human words, she just wants to punch him, some push and pull that would release all her mounting stress without having to articulate it. Why is that so goddamn-- Her jaw clenches. That stretching rubber band sensation where she's making herself be quiet so that she can girt out the right words, rather than just a string of sounds that feel safe in their rhythm. ]

Look. I can do... the sharing feelings thing with Noct, because he is quiet and he makes me feel calm and I care about him so much I would never do anything to hurt him. It's easy, the lines are real clear. And that's safe, that's fine, and I'd kick someone's teeth in of they tried to take it from me.

You. You are not fuckin'-- [ A grumble because she's trying to speak clearly not fall back into cursing his name and his mother's name and his mother's mother's name. ] Calm or quiet. And I'm not real worried I'd hurt you, but then that's the problem. I don't know where the outer limit of how fucking bad it could be is. Not with the brain bug thing. Pretty sure I shouldn't have done what I did to you already.

[servitor]

[He gives her a sideways glance, brows furrowed.]

What you did to me? That took two people, not just one. [He clicks his tongue as he looks away again.] Don't give me that crap. I don't know what else to do here, Annie. You want me to look after the girls, I'll do it. You want me to look after Noct, I'll do it. I can do whatever you throw at me but this?

[Nyx gestures the invisible thread between each other. It's going to get him on the wrong end of something or other. Maybe he'll be on that receiving end of being kicked in the teeth. Calm or quiet? Maybe not internally, no. Focused is what he is, and he can take all of that insanity that keeps spinning around him and force it into something.]

You and me, we're stuck together. You keep telling me to fuck off every damn minute I try with you, and for what? [Now he looks at her squarely, shifting his entire posture towards her.] I'm already dead, Annie. Listen to me. You can't do anything worse than what's going to happen. So do whatever it is the hell you want but quit tell me to fuck off, because I'm not going anywhere. I'm a soldier. I've been a soldier for most of my life. I have to keep going and I have to look after my own. I've seen so many of my own die but I couldn't let that hold me back because I had a tomorrow to fight for. I had a tomorrow that I wish my sister could see but can't. And I'm here trying to get through to you, trying to tell you it's okay to fall apart on my watch because we're on the same side, but you keep telling me to fuck off. So what do you want me to do? What is it?

[sistershoggoth]

[ She flicks the cigarette away, turning to face him, tiny and ferocious with her chest puffed up indignantly. ]

Don't fuckin' squawk at me when I'm trying to answer your shitty fucking questions!

[ She crosses her arms over her chest, frowning at nothing for a long moment, ]

I'm sorry! For calling you. A fuckboy. It'd be easier if you were, I would super just ghost the absolute shit out of you, and not deal with your stupid fucking niceness that I don't feel like you should waste your time directing at me. Now stop emoting at me, I am full. My head hurts and I am full. You are loud.

[ The punch to the shoulder is not intended to actually wound, it is a futile limp little gesture of oh my god shut the fuck up already. ]

[servitor]

[He huffs once, through his nostrils. He's exhausting the shit out of her by being himself is his best translation here. He's been this way for years, he's not actually sure how to turn himself off.]

I'll shut up if you deal with my niceness that I decide how to waste.

[Though he's honestly just doing what he thinks anyone should do, or things he'd like that would be done if he were in the same situation.

But he really does need to know how to shut off the mental... everything. He's been told before to calm it down, except he has no idea how to do that.]

[sistershoggoth]

Okay.

[ Literally no one has ever fought her that vigorously about it before. She puts her hands up in surrender. ]

You win.

[servitor]

[He grins as he settles back against the wall. It was never about winning, in all honesty.

But her language is redirection, sarcasm, and humor, so.]

Damn right.

[sistershoggoth]

[ Huff. ]

You don't have to look so smug about it.

[servitor]

I've heard I look good when I'm smug.

[sistershoggoth]

Yeah, well unless you're stuffing that look between my legs I'm leaving it here to go get some coffee.

[ She rubs her temple. She does seriously have a headache, the headaches unsurprisingly come about when she's actively rejecting her own emotions, causing a floor of tension and constricted blood vessels. Shocker. ]