[ She inhales long and furious around her cigarette, her lips pursed. She's buzzing with what she does and does not want to say.
That she wants to keep it together so badly, but that it was easier to do in an isolation she can't have. That feeling makes her dizzy with too many variables and too much loss. That it makes her feel like she's a nuclear reactor melting down on the inside. Maybe that's what needs to happen but her inability to plan for what will be on the other side of that-- Makes it terrifying. Everything has changed so much already, and the only thing that's gotten her through is clinging stubbornly to this set of coping mechanisms.
Focus on keeping them alive. Never take yourself too seriously. Never let anyone too close; and yet here we are in this Station that's all but a tomb and she keeps consuming the boys' memories and touch like she doesn't know how to control it. Does she, or does she not. Her leg fidgets restlessly. ]
You already have all that shit, would you shut up. I don't--
[ Words. Fucking human words, she just wants to punch him, some push and pull that would release all her mounting stress without having to articulate it. Why is that so goddamn-- Her jaw clenches. That stretching rubber band sensation where she's making herself be quiet so that she can girt out the right words, rather than just a string of sounds that feel safe in their rhythm. ]
Look. I can do... the sharing feelings thing with Noct, because he is quiet and he makes me feel calm and I care about him so much I would never do anything to hurt him. It's easy, the lines are real clear. And that's safe, that's fine, and I'd kick someone's teeth in of they tried to take it from me.
You. You are not fuckin'-- [ A grumble because she's trying to speak clearly not fall back into cursing his name and his mother's name and his mother's mother's name. ] Calm or quiet. And I'm not real worried I'd hurt you, but then that's the problem. I don't know where the outer limit of how fucking bad it could be is. Not with the brain bug thing. Pretty sure I shouldn't have done what I did to you already.
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Date: 2017-06-21 12:17 am (UTC)That she wants to keep it together so badly, but that it was easier to do in an isolation she can't have. That feeling makes her dizzy with too many variables and too much loss. That it makes her feel like she's a nuclear reactor melting down on the inside. Maybe that's what needs to happen but her inability to plan for what will be on the other side of that-- Makes it terrifying. Everything has changed so much already, and the only thing that's gotten her through is clinging stubbornly to this set of coping mechanisms.
Focus on keeping them alive. Never take yourself too seriously. Never let anyone too close; and yet here we are in this Station that's all but a tomb and she keeps consuming the boys' memories and touch like she doesn't know how to control it. Does she, or does she not. Her leg fidgets restlessly. ]
You already have all that shit, would you shut up. I don't--
[ Words. Fucking human words, she just wants to punch him, some push and pull that would release all her mounting stress without having to articulate it. Why is that so goddamn-- Her jaw clenches. That stretching rubber band sensation where she's making herself be quiet so that she can girt out the right words, rather than just a string of sounds that feel safe in their rhythm. ]
Look. I can do... the sharing feelings thing with Noct, because he is quiet and he makes me feel calm and I care about him so much I would never do anything to hurt him. It's easy, the lines are real clear. And that's safe, that's fine, and I'd kick someone's teeth in of they tried to take it from me.
You. You are not fuckin'-- [ A grumble because she's trying to speak clearly not fall back into cursing his name and his mother's name and his mother's mother's name. ] Calm or quiet. And I'm not real worried I'd hurt you, but then that's the problem. I don't know where the outer limit of how fucking bad it could be is. Not with the brain bug thing. Pretty sure I shouldn't have done what I did to you already.